I Could Remember
by sobogan
Summary: Ben Solo could always remember the moments with his Light. Random AU
1. I

**I.**

I could still remember the first time I saw you.

How could I not? You knocked the breath out of me, with your beautiful, sparkling hazel eyes and your smile – your _gorgeous_ fucking smile- that could chase any demons away, even mine. I still remember you behind the counter that separated us in the coffee shop, with your hair bunched up in a messy bun on the top of your head, with a few soft tendrils framing your face. I still remember your olive green tee, dark wash jeans and black apron, splattered with stains from whatever drinks you made that day.

I still remember how everything seemed meaningless as soon as my eyes fell on you. The ambient sound in the small coffee shop on campus was non-existent; it was like I became deaf. I stood in the line, enraptured by your charm, attracted to you like a moth to a flame. I remember feeling as if time had stopped, like the only thing that ever mattered was right there in front of me. Time didn't matter, and your eyes finally met my dark ones with that brilliant smile of yours.

No words can describe, my love, how much your smile affected me when you directed it at me. The warmth it sent to my heart, it was overwhelming, yet comforting. How can your smile bring this kind of reaction out of me? If I thought I knew what happiness felt like before, I never knew what would hit me when I met you. I was so blinded by your sunshine I didn't even hear you calling out to me the first time. I can still remember the rush of heat that flooded my face, turning my whole face and ears red in embarrassment.

"Sorry." I told you, not trusting myself to say more.

"No worries! What can I get for you?" you asked, your sweet voice was like fucking music from heaven to my ears.

"Just a large black, thank you."

"Sure, give me a minute. Hum, can I get your name?" I could now see some freckles lightly peppering your nose and cheeks.

"Ben." The small grin you gave me made my stomach flutter. You turned around and I made my way to the end of the counter, and you came back with my coffee. I gave you a small nod in thanks, and you gave me a shy smile before greeting your next customer.

I walked out the shop, taking a deep breath of air thinking _what the fuck just happened in there?_ I took a sip of what I still think was the best coffee of my life, and something on the side of the cup caught my attention.

 _Ben – Dinner sometime? Rey_

You left your phone number, and never did I think I'd be given the chance to love you.

* * *

 ** _Hello everyone,_**

 ** _I wish to thank you for taking the time to even click on this story. I previously posted it as a one-shot on here, but after publishing it on Archive of our Own, I have decided to split it in moments. This also gave me the time to edit and correct some mistakes I made._**

 ** _I also want to mention that a couple chapters talk about miscarriage (chapters 6 and 7), and involves the death of characters(Chapters 8 and 9) . I just want to forewarn you as it may be triggering for yourself, and I want to make sure you are prepared._**

 ** _I hope you enjoy this little drabble._**

 ** _Best,_**

 ** _Sobogan._**


	2. II

**II.**

I could still remember the anxiety for our first date.

It had taken me a whole week to gather up the courage to contact you after you handed me your number at the coffee shop. I'd set the cup, which I secretly referred to as the Holy Grail, on my desk, and would stare at it to make sure it was real. _What can she possibly even see anything in me?_ I'd think to myself. You _had_ to be out of my league. Where you had beauty, grace and a personality made of fucking sunshine, I was the awkwardly tall, brooding man who barely smiled and probably had too much black in his wardrobe. Where your features were fine and nearly angelic, I had a strong angular nose, full lips and moles that freckled across my face, along with huge ears I'd try to cover over my long dark hair. _I suppose opposites attract_ , Hux had said.

I'd typed your number and called seven times, but would immediately hang up. I'd even drafted a fucking text message, something I never did. But I decided, one week later, to just show up at the coffee shop. I can still remember how my palms were sweaty, and how my mouth went dry. I opened the door, and there you were. You still caught my breath; you looked even more beautiful than I'd remembered. Your hair was half up this time, and you wore a blue tee, illuminating the room with that dazzling smile. I patiently stood in line, and I can still remember the panic in your eyes when you finally saw me.

It dawned on me at that moment that maybe you'd felt rejected, and I felt like absolute shit for a moment. I didn't have an excuse, just that I was a fucking coward. Your smile faltered a little, making my heart clench uncomfortably.

"Hi Ben, large black coffee again?" My heart skipped a beat; you'd remembered my order.

"Actually," I started, "I'm here because I couldn't work the nerve to call you because I'm an idiot, and I'd really like to take you out to dinner if you're still willing to give me that chance" I rambled on.

"I'd really like that. Are you available tonight?"

"Absolutely."

I still remember the butterflies that kept flying aggressively in my stomach as I left.

 _Don't fuck this up Solo._ And I didn't have to worry, as that dinner ended up being the best night of my life.


	3. III

**III.**

I could still remember the first time we made love.

We had been dating for a few months, and we headed back to my little apartment. We had just come back from your friends' engagement party, and we slowly walked back home, your tiny hand in mine. I'm still unsure, my love, how I ever deserved your love. We made it to the third and top floor of the small building, and I took a look at you as you removed your cream peacoat and tartan scarf. I could still remember your navy blue dress with golden embroidery that lined the hem, hugging your body like it was meant just for you. Your hair fell in soft, natural waves that reached your shoulders, and you just looked so beautiful it had to be a sin. I could still remember the soft smile you gave me that shook me to the very core, how much I _needed_ you at that moment.

I could still remember how soft your skin felt under my hands, radiating warmth I greedily took. I could still remember the soft taste of honey off your skin, a sweet taste that reflected your soul. Every inch I uncovered, I practically devoured until all your clothes fell off. I can still remember how your body would jerk alive when I kissed that one spot on your neck, where your jaw met your ear, and I still vividly remember your soft moans that fuelled my desire even more. I can still distinctly hear your soft moans, how your body was writhing under my hands and lips, especially as I reached your perfect mounds and later, your hipbones. I can still remember the tug on my hair when you pulled my head back up so you could claim my lips with your own, bringing me back _home_.

I could still remember your soft breaths on my neck, whispering sweet promises against my skin. I could still remember the feel of your small dainty hands running a path on my chest, the feel of your hands ghosting down from my collarbone down to my waist, my body moving up to add more pressure that I craved, that I _needed_. I could still feel your lips as they traced the scar that went across the side of my face, and then the same path your hands had travelled before. Your lips, my love, brought on the most intoxicating feeling I'd ever felt, and brought me back to life. Your kisses healed my soul, they took the pain away from the past.

I could still remember the feeling when we finally joined, how complete and full I felt. I can remember how your warmth welcomed me, and how it felt like you were trying to keep me there, to keep me home, how it felt like you needed me as much as I needed you. I could still feel how much my love for you had overwhelmed me even more if even possible, how you were able to make me feel at peace. I can still remember how your eyes were shining with pure love and adoration; how your moans would become louder and would eventually drive me over the edge.

As we lay together in bed after cleaning up, feeling absolutely at peace, I could only keep looking at your soft features, your half lidded eyes looking up at me. I remember the soft kiss you gave me before you whispered words I never felt like I deserved from you.

" _I love you, Ben Solo."_ Your eyes fluttered closed as you fell asleep. I brought you closer to me, and kissed your head before murmuring into your hair.

 _I love you more than you can even imagine._


	4. IV

**IV.**

I could still remember the first time we fought.

I never hated myself more than I did at that moment. I can't even remember what we fought about. I can only remember the moment you left. Rey, no words can explain the fear I felt when you left. An inexplicable fear that transformed into rage – mainly at myself- because I thought I had lost the one good thing in my life. I broke so many plates, glasses, anything I could put my hand on that day. I punched holes in my walls, screaming at the top of my lungs in pure hatred towards myself. I had lost my light, the one thing keeping me sane, the only person I ever truly loved.

I could still remember how broken I felt and feeling so fucked up for dealing with pain in such a childish manner. What if you had been there? I would have scared you away, you would have seen the monster I truly am, and you would finally see why I didn't deserve you. My screams died down as my voice started to go, no rage flowing in my veins. I sat down in the middle of the chaos I had created, and I can still feel the tears that were streaming down my face. I couldn't even remember the last time I had even cried. I must have stayed like that for hours, slowly willing myself to get up and start cleaning.

I can still remember the pain I felt when I got up in my hand, noticing blood pouring out of a deep cut. A piece of glass had cut me deeply, and I sighed. Right as I was walking to the kitchen to get the first aid kit, I heard the front door creaking open, and I whipped my head to see you looking at the room. I could still remember the drop to my stomach, never thinking I'd see you again. I still remember your eyes, puffy and red, and I still remember the guilt that flooded through me. Without a word, you approached me and took my bloody hand in yours, bandaging it up like it was the most natural thing to do. When you were done, you simply started cleaning up the shards of glass lying around, and I followed your lead numbly.

"You didn't have to come back", I told you. You remained quiet. You stood and made your way to me, wrapping your lithe arms around my middle. "I don't deserve you, Rey." I continued.

I felt you head shaking, and I could feel your tears soaking my shirt. I can remember the guilt at making you cry again flood through me. I truly was the biggest asshole. Your head moved, your tear-filled eyes looking for mine.

"Ben Solo, I love you so much but _fuck_ you are so infuriating!"

I think that was the first time I heard you swear.


	5. V

**V.**

I could still remember when I first saw you walking towards me.

I stood on the sand; the uncomfortable feeling of the rough grains under my feet suddenly gone as the vision of you walking towards me was all I could focus on. You gave me that brilliant, fucking beautiful smile, the one that brought light into my life. You were hanging on Finn and Poe's arms, the couple absorbing your ethereal sunshine as they walked you down to me. You were so stunning, sweetheart, I couldn't believe you were actually marrying me. You were so effortlessly beautiful; in your lace cream coloured dress, and short sleeves that fell softly on the ground. You let your hair down the way I love it, adorned with small white flowers on one side of your head.

You didn't cover your freckles, opting for mascara and a nude coloured gloss that make your lips look so fucking kissable, it took all my strength not to devour you on the spot. When your best friends handed you to me, placing your small hands into my huge ones, there's no doubt that we were meant to be right where we were. No one had ever captured my heart as much as you did, no one else could have been the light I desperately needed, no one could ever compare to you.

When we finally sealed our union with a touch of our lips, nothing could compare to the feeling of pure contentment I felt on that day. Nothing could compare to the feeling of finally having someone, finally having the family I never had. Nothing could compare to the feeling of you in my arms, dancing as _husband and wife_ , nothing could ever compare to the feeling of seeing you illuminate a room with your presence, nor the feeling of seeing you so happy.

I vowed to keep you happy; to make sure that your smile would never disappear. I vowed to ensure that the light in you would never fade.

I vowed that nothing could ever take me away from you.

 _I just love you too fucking much._


	6. VI

**VI.**

I could still remember the time we mourned the loss of our first child.

I still remember how helpless I felt as the doctor informed us the heartbeat was no more. I remember how the scream that escape your delicate lips cut a knife deep in my heart. How helpless I felt when I couldn't even comfort you myself. I can still remember you crying that you were not good enough, how you couldn't nurture our child to term. _These things sometimes happen, Mrs. Solo. In no way was this your fault. I can refer you to-_ The soothing voice of the doctor drowned out, simply nodding numbly to the suggestions, with a promise on following-up.

Sweetheart, I wish I were able to help you better. I wish I could keep my vow I made to myself, to not let your light fade away. But how the fuck am I supposed to do that when our child, our _baby_ was no more? I could barely remember the drive home; it was just a blur. I remember helping you out the car, holding you close to me as we walked in our home. A house we bought just before we found out you were carrying our child. I remember how you mechanically walked to the room that would have been the baby's, and the heart-wrenching howl you let out.

I cursed whatever God was up there for inflicting you with the worse pain possible. I got so fucking angry, Rey, I don't even think you noticed my departure. I needed to vent, to hit, to break, _anything_. I ended up running, and got to the beach where we wed, screaming at the ocean, the sky, anything I could see. I fell to my knees, thinking about the unfairness of it all, how fucking _livid_ I was at the universe for making you live this horrible pain. After an hour, I made my way home, and found you in the room.

I could still remember you softly calling my name, and how cold you felt in my arms. I remember how tense you felt, even as I sunk you into our large bath filled with hot water, and how you just shook from crying, as I washed you patiently. I remember holding you in my arms until you had cried out your light, trying to comfort you to be best of my ability.

I could still remember how you restlessly slept, crying for a child we will never have known. A child who we already loved more than life itself. Mourned the child to whom we promised a life filled with love, that we'd protect until our last breath.

We mourned the broken promises we had made.

We mourned the parents we could have become.


	7. VII

**VII.**

I could still remember when you hesitantly approached me.

I remember how uneasy I felt, as I could usually read you like an open book. I was in my study, finishing up grading for my class on Administrative Law, when you stood in the doorway. I remember raising my eyebrow at you, and I could feel the anxiousness rolling off of you in waves.

"What's wrong, sweetheart?" You didn't answer me. I slowly got up, approaching your small form. Your hazel eyes were filled with fear, yet excitement. "Rey", I try again, "is everything alright?" You looked at me, pondering your next words.

"Ben I… I'm pregnant again." I froze. I didn't know how to act. I was scared to celebrate too early, the loss of our first child still raw.

"Rey… Are you O.K.?" I still remember the tears starting to shine in your eyes, and how you nodded with a brilliant smile I haven't seen in nearly eight months.

I could still remember our ultrasound. _See this? Seems like you got yourself twice the surprise!_ That bit kept replaying in my mind as I watched you in our nearly complete nursery. You were positively glowing. The swell of your stomach was mesmerizing, insane to think that we created two healthy babies at the same time. Watching you sit in the rocking chair, gently rubbing your stomach while reading stories to the two unborn siblings, stirred a strong feeling of protectiveness in me. You were such a sight to behold, your beautiful smile and your positive radiance as dazzling as the first time I saw you in that coffee shop. I felt so much love in that moment, Rey, I thought I was going to explode.

As I was thinking about that, I could remember you looking at me with the glint of light in your eyes, and smiled softly at me. You beckoned me to you, and found myself following your light like nothing else mattered, and I gave you a quick kiss before getting on my knees to kiss the swell of your stomach.

"Did I ever tell you how beautiful you are when you're carrying my children?" You laughed softly.

"I just feel like a whale ready to pop." Little did you know that the pop would happen later that night.

No feeling compares to the birth of your kids. When the first one came out – a boy, followed closely by a girl – I was never more proud of you. I could still remember the relief as I heard the scream tearing out of the babies, and the overwhelming sensation of love and adoration for all three of you.

I could still remember the feeling of completeness as _our_ family laid together in a small hospital bed. I remember basking in the feeling of peace, relishing the feel of the tiny bundle in my arms. I remember looking at you too, with our beautiful son in your arms, fast asleep.

The smile you gave me at that moment will always be one of my most cherished memories.

The Solo family was now complete.

 _I finally had the family I wanted._

 _I'm finally complete._


	8. VIII

**VIII.**

I wish I could forget the moment I lost you.

I truly lost myself, my light, when you left me. I still feel the pain tearing my soul apart when I think about that fatal day. Like when we lost our first child, the one before Kylo and Kira, I cursed the universe for taking another light from this world. Why were you the one who had to die? Why couldn't it have been me? I'm such a fucking mess, I can't even function. Most days, I just want to die just to be with you, so I can see your comforting smile, your expressive eyes, taste your soft skin, hear your angelic laugh, just be with you.

Fuck, life without is so _gray_ ; it's a dull vision. I miss walking in a room and it being illuminated by you. I miss you laughing with your two best friends, I miss you angry when the kids are pissing you off, I miss your warmth next to me as I'm sleeping, I just fucking miss you being here with me. I want to fucking murder the person who crashed in your car, because they were fucking _texting_ , the person who stole you away from me forever.

Perhaps I'm being selfish, wishing I were the one who died instead of you. You'd be the one living with the pain I'm living with, and the last thing I want for you is to feel pain. But fuck it's hard. You left way too soon. Our children miss you probably as much as I do, losing their mum way too early, before they could even comprehend what death is. I'm thankful to you that you reconnected me to my parents when they were born, as Leia's been helping tremendously. If it weren't for her, I don't know what would have happened. I was in no state to be a mourning widow while raising two five year old kids who asked me when you'd be back.

I miss you. _Fuck I miss you_. You left me five years ago already, I still wear my ring. Your side of the bed and side of the closet remains untouched. Your perfume still lingers around, just to make it feel like you're still there. I don't think I could ever move on from you, sweetheart. You were the one, the only one I could ever think about loving. I remember us every day, I don't want to forget.

Forever and always, we said. Right?

I can't wait to see you again.

Please wait for me.

Please.

 _It's all that keeps me going._


	9. IX

**IX.**

Fuck, you're still as beautiful as the first and last time I saw you.

I finally died. Cancer decided to let me live to my sixty-eighth year, leaving behind our two beautiful, and successful children. At their young age of thirty-two, Kylo followed in my footsteps and is a reputable lawyer while Kira is a world-renowned surgeon. They're both content, I made sure of that, and have started their own families. Christ, you would have loved your grandchildren.

You're literally a vision. You still have that breathtaking smile, laughing lines around your beautiful eyes, and dressed in a long grey dress that ties around your waist. You literally have the sun behind you, making you glow like your namesake. I feel the love radiating off of you, and I walk slowly to you. Did I mention how beautiful you are?

"Rey" I whisper.

"Hi Ben, I've been waiting for you for a long time." You smile and reach out for my hand. I greedily grab it, finally feeling your hand in mine after twenty-seven agonizing years.

"I missed you so much."

"Me too, honey." I capture your face in my hands. I notice that my hands are no longer old-looking; they're now back to their youthful state. I lower my lips to yours, tasting the subtle hint of honey, and I sigh contently as I rest my forehead on yours.

"Forever and always?" I ask.

"Forever and always."


End file.
